I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i was born a porn star she said
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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