You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
