Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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