You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
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