Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Randomize
