so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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