Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
