You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
