Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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