I'm eating all of the evidence.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
