I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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