I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Randomize