I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I checked into jail on foursquare
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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