He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
