I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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