Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
