i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
