I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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