Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize