We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
