mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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