Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Just invented taco cereal.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
