oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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