only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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