were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
