drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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