I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
