just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
