nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
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