I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
