ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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