one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
