I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
