I hate all girls vehemently.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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