im about as happy as oj after his trial
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
