the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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