We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Randomize