i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I deserve to be covered in dicks
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Randomize
