I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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