You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
