I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
My penis needs a shock collar
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
