woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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