Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
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