Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize