so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
