This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
