The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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