i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
