Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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