Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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