Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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