It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
