You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Randomize
