In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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