Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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