I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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