Someone shit on the floor
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
