he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
