Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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