Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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