Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
