I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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