neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
organizing the empties. That sober.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
