WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
